i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
