i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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