You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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