Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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