sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
