I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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