what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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