oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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