A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
