there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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