I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Actions speak louder than pants.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
