At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
