she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
