Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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