TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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