smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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