The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
