Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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