Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So many bounce houses so little time
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
