I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
