life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
