There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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