I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
