May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
