I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
