Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
