I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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