The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
