The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
