so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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