Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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