So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
