My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
