I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
