I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
