So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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