you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
