THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
