Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
