Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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