somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
