i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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