So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Randomize
