He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
