Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
