Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
