Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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