i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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