Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need to sanitize my soul.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
