I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
