Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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