suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
