How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
